This'll be the last post on my dear friend Gan. Please read part 1 before you read this, lest you interpret part 2 out of part 1's context.
Have spent a lot of time ruminating on these thoughts and typing all these out really makes things clearer because sometimes in verbal communications, things get lost in translation and sometimes you trip over your emotions while expressing yourself verbally.
So somehow, writing is still the most accurate way of expressing oneself because you can edit your statement after you typed it. In writing, you can take the wrong words back and replace them with more appropriate ones. In face-to-face communication, what's said is said. No statement editing or referencing the thesaurus for a better word.
Yup, I finally met him up for dinner (I initiated) and talked not about every issue we have, but mainly the hall issue. After payment's made, he still wants me out because I'm too "inconsiderate".
I put it in inverted commas because to different people, there are different definitions and thresholds of inconsideration.
Fine, I am, ok? I could've done better as he claims. And maybe, I really could have done better. Some of the examples he cited for his course of action is:
1) I come back too late
Me: If I'm back too early, and get ready to sleep, you'll all still be awake and what am I to do? Study? Sleep? Stone?
Gan: It's because you come back late that's why we extend our staying up hours to "wait for you" and I (in basic consideration and concern) have to leave the light on for you.
So his nice, initiated, act of kindness is now being used against me. And it's not like I need them to stay up for me or need him to leave the light on for me. I got my hp torchlight to navigate. Or if need be, I'll turn on the table lamp lor.
With that, his response was "So now you assume that I know you have hp torchlight la?" Totally irrelevant here.
Because if leaving the light on is affecting him, then why leave it on in the first place? If you want to be nice to me by leaving the light on for me, it's your choice. Don't blame your choice on me.
To be nice to someone and later get upset with them and telling them "Eh, I made such a huge sacrifice ok?" and stuff like that totally discredits any good deed to begin with.
For all my previous roomies, I'll come back to a dark room and a sleeping, snoring body. Very most, if they're really concerned, they'll ask me "Eh, where you?", etc...before sleeping. Granted, he does that...but not all the time. But really, are all these really a need?
I mean, why stay up later, awaiting my return? It's like your parents stay up late awaiting your return. And when you return late, they scold you for making them stay up late and waiting for you in the name of being concerned.
Fine, they're your parents. So he's my daddy now?
His next accusation is: I did not turn off the table lights he turned on for me (which I didn't know was done for me...and he insists is common sense)
I turned off my friend's lights when he was sleeping before and I got a good scolding for that because he's afraid of the dark.
I picked up 2 badminton rackets from the floor because it'll be spoilt when stepped on BUT I got scolded because my friends were setting up a "goal post" using the badminton rackets to play soccer.
So much for common sense eh? Things are done for a reason. And when you don't know the reason, leave it as it is. Don't go and change it without knowing why it was being done that way.
So following that logic, I did not turn off his table light. His next accusation is "But you sleep here 2 months you should know I sleep without lights on what"
Ok granted, following that pattern I should've turned it off. But maybe, he could've left it on for a reason? So to turn it off may have gotten me scolded for that unknown reason too.
So right and wrong here is entirely unknown. I have to play this guessing game and if I guess wrongly, I get the flare of his fury. So much for loving me eh?
Basically, everything I've stated is grounded not on communicated expectations, but left to his whims and fancies and unwritten expectations - the chief destroyer of all relationships.
2) It's already late so I must be super quiet:
a) I can't zip my bag too fast because it'll result in a loud "zzzttttt" noise which affects him.
b) I have to take out the clothes from my plastic bag SUPER GENTLY such that the crunching to the plastic bag sound does not awaken sleeping beauty.
c) If I want to study at his table, I have to flip my pages very softly.
Granted, he is a SUPER light sleeper. Even the dust-mites whispering to each other would've pricked his bionic ears and send overwhelming disturbances down his system and cause him to wake from his beauty sleep.
But all those expectations above there are amusing. It's the reason why my friend had a big quarrel with her roommate too...and in the end, they filed complaints to hall office and changed room.
In summary, yes I am inconsiderate. I guess I could've done better. But I didn't expect his threshold to be that low and I would've thought all these would be communicated promptly in love and clarity.
But no, I thought too highly of him. He didn't love me enough to sit me down and lovingly tell me how I've been a great nightmare to him and discuss how I could improve before kicking me out.
He just did.
I'm fine. I guess I haven't been all to saintly either. And I guess God is teaching me to keep loving consistently in spite of how others fluctuate in theirs.
So for the hall thing. It's really just a poor choice on my part. Should I choose to crash a heavy sleeper's room, it'll be fine. Like how I was fine with ALL my other roommates.
This is really just a "human thing" as said by Gan. BUT, it could've been salvaged and amicably resolved by PROPER COMMUNICATION, not sudden kick out.
Lesson learnt from this hall episode: I needa be more considerate and sensitive. He needs to be more clear in communicating his expectations.
Story's not over. He asks me why I've been avoiding him. I've already explained why in part 1 and I'll elaborate here again.
He told me communication would've been improved if I had met him for dinner for the past week, like how I always do. I was totally WOW-ED by that statement.
So, here, he has posited that in order for communication to happen, I HAVE TO INITIATE dinners with him. HE DOESN'T NEED DO TO ANYTHING.
An interesting observation from his statement is "like how you always will meet me for dinner last time". His statement shows that our entire relationship has been centered around my initiation. I'm usually always the one asking him if he's free for dinner.
So once I stop initiating, communication will just break down. HE DOESN'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING.
He takes no responsibility at all in our relationship...He's always expecting, that's all. It's a heartbreaking fact for someone whom you (mutually) consider a dear friend.
The thing is, once I stop initiating dinners and all, he'd find it weird, which he did. And what's his response? His response WASN'T to ask me "Eh, wanna have dinner not? What happen to you?". That'd come from any normal friend. No rocket science. Basic relationship process 101.
What was his response? NOTHING. JUST SIT THERE AND WAIT FOR JONAVAN TO FIND ME TO KEEP THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING.
He also told me "I tried talking to you, but you don't want to talk to me what" and he cited the time when we were waiting for his friends to go chicken rice lunch outside.
I did not justify the reason why verbally when he asked me because it'll lead to a whole moment of bringing up all the part 1 moments and it'll be a really emotional exchange of sentiments and justifications and all. So I refrained.
So, here's my response:
His friend was supposed to come and fetch us and his friend took like 15 minutes before arriving. In that 15 minutes of waiting, I read all the headlines and side stories available in my 2 news applications. LOL!
After waiting for 5 minutes I asked him "Why he taking so long ah?" And he replied "So you late can, others late cannot la?" in the guai lan, what's-your-problem tone. And 2 weeks later he's telling me "I tried talking to you what, but you didn't wanna reply."
I think he totally did not do any self-reflection or considered any of his actions thus far. But looking at this scenario, would you even bother talking to him after he's tersely cut you off with his sharp and cold rebuttal?
He is forever trying to pick a fight with me and just trying to point out all my mistakes every moment I'm with him. That's why I gave up talking to him.
Everything I say would be a reference to a past grudge which he didn't/refuse to settle with me. Basically, what I say DOESN'T MATTER (part 1). It's what he says and thinks that does.
Even after the time I sat him down in canteen 9 and talked about our hall thing, when walking back to hall, I was using my handphone while walking with him and he walked ahead and remarked (paraphrased):
"Why you cannot walk with me properly without using your handphone?"
I think he was semi-joking, semi making a point. But my response was "Why you can't slow down and walk with me?"
Following his transmitter-is-always-right logic (part 1), if he runs, I'll have to run and keep up with him. If he crawls, I'll have to crawl with him.
Lemme re-enact this situation between 2 good friends. I've seen this happen sooo many times. They're walking together and one of them slows down because he/she's using the phone:
1st example:
The other friend goes over the one using the handphone, peeps and cheekily remarks "messaging who ah?" :D And the other replies "Aiya, *so and so* lor...I tell you ah..."
And they go on into a meaningful life-sharing conversation.
2nd example:
The other friend slows down and continues talking to the other friend on the handphone and though the handphone user replies with lag-time, the other friend's totally chill about it and meaningful conversations still goes on.
Look, such a simple thing he's making it so hard and complicated. Everything I do will be wrong. He will just find a way to link it there and bring something back up in the past that has already been resolved or not resolved.
With such people, don't open your mouth. They're just there to destroy you and drain you of who you are. HE IS DRAINING ME. Thus, I am avoiding him, if not, he'll just suck me dry.
Friends are there to celebrate and enjoy life with you, not point out your faults and come down hard on you for everything they can find.
There's this quote "If you look hard enough, you'll definitely find something you can complain about". This is true, if you just wanna bring someone down, you can. Just discredit them in any way possible.
And that's what he's been doing.
When I met him for dinner at can 9, I was 10 minutes late. The first thing when I saw him was to smile because I'm glad to see him and have dinner with him after so long.
But the first thing he said nonchalantly was "You're late." to which my natural defense was "It was raining."
His apathetic reply was "That is no excuse."
To that, I apologized and said "Sorry."
Who starts a good date like that? I've been late and early for meetings with many good friends and they'll always lovingly say "It's ok" in a way that indirectly tells me "What matters is that, you're here"
I don't get that from him. All he wants to do is to bring me down, show me stupid and prove me wrong. "YOU'RE LATE" death sentence tone. Haha. He is not interested in me. He is interested in having someone to eat with. No love, nothing. Me being late is more important than me being around.
There's no love, only a I-want-to-prove-you-wrong mindset within him. I really don't know what I did or why he has become like that.
When I first became good friends with him, he wasn't like that. We had awesome dialogues and we share our lives, our stories, chatted about people and their idiosyncrasies and we just.....loved. :(
That's why I told him that day when we ate at canteen 9 "I miss the Gan I used to eat with last year."
The sheer weight of that statement brings tears to my eyes because I really, really miss the deary boy Gan I used to love so much, share so much with. Things weren't like that last year. He loved me. Past tense.
We would whatsapp and exchange deep sentiments and assure each other of our love. But now, there's nothing. In this whole relationship, it has been entirely my initiation. The lecture hall talk, the invitation to church, the whatsapp messages, the assignment of the "deary" term, the teach-me-tutorial moments, the cards I wrote for him, the prayers I prayed with him, etc...
I'm fine with initiating and I expect nothing in return.. Because, if you love, all these things flow naturally. The least anyone could do was reciprocate, which he did, THEN. What about now? You ask him lor.
The sweetest thing he ever did was:
1) Write me a hurried card for Christmas (I think), which I still keep and appreciate a lot because he is not a cardy-guy and for him to write me, is my privilege :) I appreciate that. That is love.
2) Send me a super long essay on whatsapp telling me why he loves me. He did that twice. It melted my heart a lot.
Sad to say, I can only list these up to number 2. With my other besties who really loved me, I could write a whole blog post on it.
But it's ok, I'm still really glad that he loved me back :) Because what we share is special and irreplaceable.
But now, he has stripped everything away and what's left in the empty shell of this relationship are memories of why I love him. Lemme go through some of the reasons and moments:
1) Lecture hall chat.
How God brought us together was during lecture where I sat with him and instead of listening to the lecture, we chatted about our faith.
This was the beginning of our journey.
I loved him a lot. I don't know why. I guess it's a God-given love to win this lost boy back to him. Yes, I saw a lost boy, cultured, well-mannered, cautious, careful, measured and just trying to do things right and live life properly.
But life can never be lived properly if you don't have Christ. That's because when the storms of life hit your boat, your boat will drift, sway and most probably capsize because if your anchor is not found in Christ, it will not hold the boat of your life down properly.
So yeah, I guess God gave a big love for him, to see him come and fall in love with God.
2) Who he is.
I guess I also love him for the little things he does. Like when I poke him or challenge him and when he gets a lil' uptight and tensed up, his reaction is really cute. HAHA!
Sounds gay but yeah, when we have our lil' quarrels and teases, I'll always laugh and remark that his reaction is cute. LOL. The stunt face like "huh? What makes you say that?" and stuff like that.
His taglines are also funny. The way he sees things, sums things up and they way he find things funny is funny. LOL. I don't know how to say this but yeah...
The "count your stack", "Slap you back harder", "I take a fish and slap you", "hao lian, dai gou lian", "zai lorry", "legend la you", etc...is something characteristic of him which I enjoy. Haha. I love him.
3) The many leaps of faith.
I also love him for taking many leaps of faith. Because he's a measured and cautious guy, doing things like coming to a church that's so different from his and lifting hands and all is really awesome. It's heartening to see him open up.
The biggest leap of faith he took for me was to let me illegally squat in his hall. I will forever be grateful for that.
Being a non-risk-taker, he took a big risk of allowing me to stay because if caught, we'll all be hall-less for the rest of our lives in NTU. That's a huge sacrifice on his part. I appreciate that.
He also took a big risk because he didn't know if we'll get along well but he still did. That is love. I appreciate that and will reciprocate accordingly to my best. But apparently, my best wasn't enough. Or maybe, I didn't put in my best as he claims.
So yeah, I love him for the many leaps of faith he took. Being a measured person, such leaps of faith will be hard and I see that and I love him for that.
4) The future
I told him when I love someone, I love them for their past, present and future. And his reply? "You gong nia".
Well, he believe what he chooses and I live out what I must. This is the 4th reason why I love him. I love his future.
I believe one day God'll use him mightily in His own special way. He'll be doing things for God and adding to the kingdom. And I love that man God is crafting him to be.
I wrote him a card recently and jotted down 2 verses that the Holy Spirit dropped in my heart for him:
John 14:12 "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father."
Jeremiah 29:13 "And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."
I believe with all my heart that God will take this man further than what we think of now. I may or may not be a part of his life or mission by then but I'll still love him for who he'll become.
All in all, I will always love my deary boy. After all, I named our dropbox folder "Dearies4life". HAHA!
I don't give names like that frivolously. And I'll salvage whatever is left in our relationship and I will keep on loving him because of our past - what we shared, our present - his sacrifices, and for his future - the man God is moulding him to be.
On my part, I guess I also want to apologize for the many times I could've intentionally or unintentionally pissed you off, disappointed you, irritated you or hurt you with my words and actions.
But I've really loved you. I've put in a lot of honesty, real-ness, pro-active initiation and sacrifice into our relationship.
I'm not perfect. Neither are you. "We're not broken just bent, so we can learn to love again" to quote Pink.
I'm always ready to communicate, always ready to listen but I will not initiate anything anymore because I've tried, for the past 2 months....Tried to debate your logic and conclusions and all I got was "it doesn't matter" and "you're always right what".
You have given no thought, value or worth to whatever I might say (part 1). Communication is 2-way. But you have demodulated my message signal as noise and it has thus become a 1-way thing.
Yup, whatever goes on from here, is really up to him and up to God. For me, I'll distance from him too lest he sucks me dry with his judgments and break my heart to even smaller pieces.
Feel free to contest any wrong emotion or logic that I've expounded on in my 3 blog posts about him (2 entirely about him and 1 partially about him). But for now, this is what I've been feeling, thinking and getting.
But yeah, I'll always love my deary boy :') Even if it means loving with a broken heart.
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