Ever had a very good friend that you really love and who really loves you too? Yeash, I guess we all have.
Ever fallen out with them over reasons you don't quite know and reasons they don't quite say? And when you try to reason with them they just don't listen? Because they've made their mind that you're wrong or you're always right?
Tell me you have one like that too. What do you do?
Let's call him Gan. If you know him or manage to decode this fake name (combine name + surname), please don't tell him about this because he will not be able to accept what I'm about to ruminate upon (#thinkingaloud).
And please, if you know him, please don't read this post. I don't want you judging him because I still love him a lot. Yup, his public, angelic demeanour will shatter. And it's true for most people.
Once you REALLY get to know a person, you realize how deeply they have mastered the art of masquerading or how they just treat you differently because now, you're good friends.
It's like treating your girlfriend badly after she's yours. Because, you already got her, commitment's there. You've sealed the deal, signed a contract. People know about you and her. So if you treat her bad or coldly, she'll still hang around because she made a commitment to you...until it reaches a breaking point.
And sometimes, it's the same for friendship.
We got that person to be our friend already. Or good friends. Where you call each other exclusive names and really love each other. And then, we begin to take them for granted, begin to impose our expectations on them and begin to judge them.
Here's a few instances of what's happened:
Instance #1
When sharing songs and videos on YouTube, he's only interested in sharing his videos and songs. When I wanna talk about my favourite songs he goes "It doesn't matter. All your songs not nice one."
Happened 2-3 times. I just took it. What can I do or say? We're viewing it on his laptop anyway.
Instance #2
I intro a fishball noodle stall that I thought was awesome. Well, when I ate with 6-7 of my freshies, we all thought it was awesome. Still remember Suyi went "Wow, life is good!" while slurping at the mee pok. LOL!
When he tried it, he didn't like it. And it seemed like he holds my recommendation against me. He'll go "Your fishball noodle stall where got nice?"
And the one time we ate at that canteen - Canteen A - He went "Eh, go eat your fishball noodles la. I thought damm nice?" NOT IN A JOKING TONE. But in a SARCASTIC, SPITEFUL TONE.
And he's harped on it several times like I sinned against him for intro-ing something I thought was nice. Wow. I really am amused. Have I like, misjudged and made friends with such a pure asshole?
For the first 2 instances, I can see that he doesn't understand the word "preference" and he doesn't comprehend the quote "One man's meat is another man's poison".
I also can see how he's only selfishly interested in HIS OWN PREFERENCES. He doesn't care about mine as much as I care about his and how I give ear to his warble.
Many more instances actually...like how he tells me to "slap yourself" and "give yourself one tight slap" and all when I'm late for meeting him (screenshots available)...and like how he told me about his basketball and soccer achievements and all. But that one was done in a more joking tone and I didn't feel the vibe of his selfishness in those moments where he basked in his achievements so yeah.
I know exactly what his pathetic defense will sound like. "Why you take what I say so harshly? I'm always like that what."
That was what I get when I confronted him about such things the first time. To him, the transmitter is always right and the receiver is always wrong; to put it in engineering terms. He is indeed more SELF-RIGHTEOUS than me now. LOL. Totally.
He takes no responsibility for his tone and diction - it's entirely the listener's fault for receiving his message badly. Your interpretation of his message is entirely your problem - the way he says it and the words he uses is CORRECT, no questions asked.
So yeah, here you have someone who irresponsibly shrugs his shoulders and takes no ownership of his words. He can scold you "F*** YOU LA" for all he cares and expects you to take it nicely...following his transmitter-is-always-right logic.
Well maybe I'm too sensitive - which I think I'm not. But there are reasons as to why I felt that way. And that reason is definitely not solely based on my "spoilt antenna" that received the transmitter's message wrongly.
Instance #3
While walking back to hall he suddenly commented "Whoa, actually you are a freeloader leh. Everything free you take."
He made that hurtful statement in context that I went to eat 2 free dinners and am staying in his hall for free.
Here's my justification:
The 1st free dinner...
...was a student leader's night which I was not invited but a lot of my ODAC friends were there. So I just went and joined them for the free buffet dinner lor. They even gave me the name tag of a friend who was not there - that means I'm a legal participant in the event :D HAHAHA!
C'mon la, I have friends that do that all the time. And we do it proudly together and have fun and laugh at those "sneaked in" moments. You call such friends "bros" because they do it with you and share the joy of the "crime".
I'm not expecting him to join me in my "crime", so if he doesn't want, fine. I was simply extending the invitation.
Here's our typed out conversation on whatsapp:
J: haha..nice..dinner?
G: Okay sure
J: free food @ nanyang audi leh. haha.
G: I in hall leh. Dabao for me lor. Haha
J: kthxbye
G: Kthxbye to you too lol. Keep on ask me go back sch
Here's what I meant when I asked him "dinner?":
1) To see if he's free to join me BEFORE informing him of my dinner plan - eat free food.
2) Now that I know he's free, I tell him my dinner plan. If he's ok, yay, let's go. If he's not, I'm going ahead with my dinner plan.
Here's what he interpreted when I asked him "dinner?":
1) I have made a commitment to have dinner with him.
2) He doesn't agree to my plan so I have to change my plans and maintain my "commitment" to him.
See the interpretation clashes? To me, it was a my "plan-is-priority". To him it was a "you-jio-me-I-am-your-priority"
And to me, I WAS THE INITIATOR, so I have the prerogative to decide where to go and if you disagree, as the INITIATOR, I also have the prerogative to say "Ok, never mind then. See you around"
To put it in layman terms, let's give an everyday example:
Friend: Hey man, wanna go dinner?
You: Yup where?
Friend: I wanna go power nasi lemak. Wanna join?
You: Whoa so far ah. I in hall leh, don't wanna go out leh. Never mind la.
Friend: Ok. See you around then :D
Do you see how the progression goes? Do you expect the "friend" to change his already made plans to suit "you"?
Here's what'll happen if you put Gan's reaction in:
Friend: Hey man, wanna go dinner?
Gan: Okay sure
Friend: We going power nasi lemak. Wanna join?
Gan: Whoa so far ah. I in hall leh. Dabao for me lor. Haha
Friend: Kthxbye
Gan: Kthxbye to you too. Keep asking me to go out of sch
Ok, here's the thing, Gan takes it personally against him that I pang-seh him. The fact that I asked him for dinner means I've signed a till-dinner-do-us-part contract with him.
You see in the scenario above, it would be normal for the friend who doesn't want to go with the initiator's plan to say "You all go ahead without me lor."
BUT NO. I MUST REMAIN FAITHFUL TO THE ONE I HAVE PLEDGED MY DINNER ALLEGIANCE TO.
I hope I am making perfect sense here.
He made making such a chillax dinner invitation into a till-dinner-do-us-part contract that it's just...absurd. Why the expectation of such heavy commitment? Between friends, if you don't like their plan, you don't go. Peace out. No problem.
But he comes around and accuses me of pang-seh-ing him. Bravo him. *round of applause please* LOL.
So yeah. I bet he's thinking right now "Yalar, say what you want la, you're always right." Just like how his CONCLUDED accusation of me "pang-seh-ing" him is always right lor.
The main reason why I jio him is because I wanna include him and this is what I get in return. Therefore, from then on, no more meal invitations. I don't wanna re-live such sickening moments of being accused.
The 2nd free dinner...
...was my friend's CCA - IES (Institute of Engineers Singapore). They had an AGM. AND I SAT IN FOR THE AGM! Because they were short of engineers attending the AGM. So that dinner WAS EARNED! LOL!
And yeah, planned to go for the free dinner from the start already. So once again, the same scenario erupted as above. I AM THE SINFUL PANG-SEH-ING ONE. I must repent.
Free hall stay
On 2nd July 2013 when I asked him on whatsapp "Can I leech? Like squat in your hall as and when. haha" and his reply "Ya ok. You my deary how can don't let you. Lol." I was still in Korea when we're catching up on whatsapp. I have the screenshot of it if he challenges me to it.
We actually spoke about this in canteen 9 and his defense was "That time I supposed to room with Wee Lee so can let you stay, but now my roomy different."
Well, in the 2nd July 2013 chat I ALSO asked him "Who's the other roomy?", he's reply was "I dunno yet". So it shows that he already knew his roomy was not Wee Lee.
When I shattered his defense by showing him our whatsapp conversation, his reply was "Aiya, I don't know la. You always come play with words."
WOW. I'm showing him evidence of our conversation and this is his reply. I really am amused and amazed at how blind and insistent people can sometimes be to JUST BE IN THE RIGHT.
So yeah, he didn't mention payment at all. And from our conversations, it's crystal clear that he's allowing me to stay based on account of our friendship.
Ok, maybe I stayed longer than expected because it took so long for me to get my hall. And yes, maybe I should have the decency to pay him because I already stayed for like 2 months.
But the thing is, he didn't request for payment. So am I supposed to automatically pay him? And it's not like I can't pay him. I can pay for he and his roomy to stay in hall for all four years if they want. It's not about the money...it's about the unspoken expectation that was uncommunicated.
So yeah, I'm a freeloader. I guess you reached that conclusion too after all these? Haha. Judge me or vindicate me please.
And I have screenshots to prove all of these. It's all in my whatsapp chat history.
And, just to mention for the sake of mentioning, last year, I gave him my friend's hall after I got my own hall. He was really thankful. And I was just being me...it's normal to do favours for your friends right?
I didn't like charge him extra. I could've charged a stranger extra if they wanted my hall. And yes they'll pay extra to stay. But it's on account of our friendship that I just gave it to him.
I'm saying this not because I expect him to return the favour by allowing me to stay. If he doesn't allow me to stay, I'm fine. If he said it from the start "No, I don't want the inconvenience of housing you." I'd have been cool about it. At least you're honest. But the thing is, he voluntarily agreed to let me stay.
Fact is, it's not like I NEED TO STAY IN HALL. I can squat in other friend's halls or just travel to school everyday. He's NOT INDISPENSABLE.
So yeah. Point made. And I'm pretty sure, he'll be really pissed if he reads this. Because, he is unable/unwilling to answer all these questions and pointers which I bring forward. To him, "it doesn't matter". I wonder what is his definition of "friendship".
WHAT NOW?
I can choose these options:
1) Pay him and shift out to my other friend's hall to make it clear that - I can pay. I'm no freeloader and I DON'T NEED YOUR STINKIN' HALL.
2) Pay him and stay on and see what happens after I appease his unspoken money-based anger.
3) Don't pay him and shift out to my other friend's hall to make it clear that - I'M A FREELOADER and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
At least this freeloader has friends who's willing to accommodate him on account of friendship.
4) Don't pay him and stay on and see how things roll.
I'm inclined to options number 1 and 2.
Option 4 is really being an thick-skinned ass but hey, so what? Consider the facts I've laid and there's no reason for me to budge because he voluntarily accepted my request to squat and didn't ask for payment. So need I budge?
Through all these I can tell that he doesn't love me as how I did and would. Small money issues? And selfish issues? Having all those unspoken expectations shows that he really doesn't love me enough to communicate what's essential to keep our relationship going.
Anyway, it's not wrong to be selfish, because we are all selfish in our own special way. Haha. But that means, I'm gonna distance myself from him because he's draining me.
Yup, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
Note that I still love him a lot ok? And I choose to continue loving him. And note that he's not open to reasoning because he thinks I'm always right and he's just out to prove me wrong - usually without proper logic or basis but by pure insisting that I'm wrong.
For me now, I've given up trying to talk to him. Everything that passes through his filter of judgement will only come out as negative, wrong, not-trustworthy, etc...I really don't know what I did that led him to this.
But yeah, this is the thing we gotta learn and accept. People are like that. Sometimes you do things that they hold so strongly against you without telling you. And it grows and mountains into something that destroys the whole relationship.
That's why my best friends are always those who are LOVINGLY honest with me, even when honesty is hard. Friends that love you like that are rare. Pray for such friends.
So yeah. I pray we'll go over this smoothly. Be the Lord of our friendship Jesus. Amen. :)
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