You can never fall too hard

Chanced upon this awesome song called "Who You Are" by this band called "Unspoken". Powerful lyrics of redemption, hope and change.

Love the chorus and love the tag (the last part of the song) - You can change who you are, at the foot of the cross :)



Who You Are
Unspoken
Christian Contemporary

Verse 1:
I know that look you're giving,
Like you've got something to prove
'Cause I have walked for miles and miles
In that same pair of shoes
You refuse forgiveness
Like it's something to be earned
Sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn

Chorus:
You can never fall too hard,
So fast, so far
That you can't get back
When you're lost
Where you are is never too late,
So bad, so much
That you can't change
Who you are, ooo-oooh
You can change who you are, ooo-oooh

Verse 2:
You believe in freedom,
But you don't know how to choose
You gotta step out of your feelings
That you're so afraid to lose
And everyday
You put your feet on the floor, you gotta walk through the door
It's never gonna be easy
But it's all worth fighting for

Bridge:
So let the ashes fall wherever they land
Come back from wherever you've been
To the foot of the cross
To the feet of Jesus,
The feet of Jesus

Friendship Woes and Relationship Rows

Ever had a very good friend that you really love and who really loves you too? Yeash, I guess we all have.

Ever fallen out with them over reasons you don't quite know and reasons they don't quite say? And when you try to reason with them they just don't listen? Because they've made their mind that you're wrong or you're always right?

Tell me you have one like that too. What do you do?

Let's call him Gan. If you know him or manage to decode this fake name (combine name + surname), please don't tell him about this because he will not be able to accept what I'm about to ruminate upon (#thinkingaloud).

And please, if you know him, please don't read this post. I don't want you judging him because I still love him a lot. Yup, his public, angelic demeanour will shatter. And it's true for most people.

Once you REALLY get to know a person, you realize how deeply they have mastered the art of masquerading or how they just treat you differently because now, you're good friends.

It's like treating your girlfriend badly after she's yours. Because, you already got her, commitment's there. You've sealed the deal, signed a contract. People know about you and her. So if you treat her bad or coldly, she'll still hang around because she made a commitment to you...until it reaches a breaking point.

And sometimes, it's the same for friendship.

We got that person to be our friend already. Or good friends. Where you call each other exclusive names and really love each other. And then, we begin to take them for granted, begin to impose our expectations on them and begin to judge them.

Here's a few instances of what's happened:

Instance #1
When sharing songs and videos on YouTube, he's only interested in sharing his videos and songs. When I wanna talk about my favourite songs he goes "It doesn't matter. All your songs not nice one."

Happened 2-3 times. I just took it. What can I do or say? We're viewing it on his laptop anyway.

Instance #2
I intro a fishball noodle stall that I thought was awesome. Well, when I ate with 6-7 of my freshies, we all thought it was awesome. Still remember Suyi went "Wow, life is good!" while slurping at the mee pok. LOL!

When he tried it, he didn't like it. And it seemed like he holds my recommendation against me. He'll go "Your fishball noodle stall where got nice?"

And the one time we ate at that canteen - Canteen A - He went "Eh, go eat your fishball noodles la. I thought damm nice?" NOT IN A JOKING TONE. But in a SARCASTIC, SPITEFUL TONE.

And he's harped on it several times like I sinned against him for intro-ing something I thought was nice. Wow. I really am amused. Have I like, misjudged and made friends with such a pure asshole?

For the first 2 instances, I can see that he doesn't understand the word "preference" and he doesn't comprehend the quote "One man's meat is another man's poison".

I also can see how he's only selfishly interested in HIS OWN PREFERENCES. He doesn't care about mine as much as I care about his and how I give ear to his warble.

Many more instances actually...like how he tells me to "slap yourself" and "give yourself one tight slap" and all when I'm late for meeting him (screenshots available)...and like how he told me about his basketball and soccer achievements and all. But that one was done in a more joking tone and I didn't feel the vibe of his selfishness in those moments where he basked in his achievements so yeah.

I know exactly what his pathetic defense will sound like. "Why you take what I say so harshly? I'm always like that what."

That was what I get when I confronted him about such things the first time. To him, the transmitter is always right and the receiver is always wrong; to put it in engineering terms. He is indeed more SELF-RIGHTEOUS than me now. LOL. Totally.

He takes no responsibility for his tone and diction - it's entirely the listener's fault for receiving his message badly. Your interpretation of his message is entirely your problem - the way he says it and the words he uses is CORRECT, no questions asked.

So yeah, here you have someone who irresponsibly shrugs his shoulders and takes no ownership of his words. He can scold you "F*** YOU LA" for all he cares and expects you to take it nicely...following his transmitter-is-always-right logic.

Well maybe I'm too sensitive - which I think I'm not. But there are reasons as to why I felt that way. And that reason is definitely not solely based on my "spoilt antenna" that received the transmitter's message wrongly.

Instance #3
While walking back to hall he suddenly commented "Whoa, actually you are a freeloader leh. Everything free you take."

He made that hurtful statement in context that I went to eat 2 free dinners and am staying in his hall for free.

Here's my justification:

The 1st free dinner...
...was a student leader's night which I was not invited but a lot of my ODAC friends were there. So I just went and joined them for the free buffet dinner lor. They even gave me the name tag of a friend who was not there - that means I'm a legal participant in the event :D HAHAHA!

C'mon la, I have friends that do that all the time. And we do it proudly together and have fun and laugh at those "sneaked in" moments. You call such friends "bros" because they do it with you and share the joy of the "crime".

I'm not expecting him to join me in my "crime", so if he doesn't want, fine. I was simply extending the invitation.

Here's our typed out conversation on whatsapp:

J: haha..nice..dinner?
G: Okay sure
J: free food @ nanyang audi leh. haha.
G: I in hall leh. Dabao for me lor. Haha
J: kthxbye
G: Kthxbye to you too lol. Keep on ask me go back sch

Here's what I meant when I asked him "dinner?":

1) To see if he's free to join me BEFORE informing him of my dinner plan - eat free food.
2) Now that I know he's free, I tell him my dinner plan. If he's ok, yay, let's go. If he's not, I'm going ahead with my dinner plan.

Here's what he interpreted when I asked him "dinner?":
1) I have made a commitment to have dinner with him.
2) He doesn't agree to my plan so I have to change my plans and maintain my "commitment" to him.

See the interpretation clashes? To me, it was a my "plan-is-priority". To him it was a "you-jio-me-I-am-your-priority"

And to me, I WAS THE INITIATOR, so I have the prerogative to decide where to go and if you disagree, as the INITIATOR, I also have the prerogative to say "Ok, never mind then. See you around"

To put it in layman terms, let's give an everyday example:

Friend: Hey man, wanna go dinner?
You: Yup where?
Friend: I wanna go power nasi lemak. Wanna join?
You: Whoa so far ah. I in hall leh, don't wanna go out leh. Never mind la.
Friend: Ok. See you around then :D

Do you see how the progression goes? Do you expect the "friend" to change his already made plans to suit "you"?

Here's what'll happen if you put Gan's reaction in:

Friend: Hey man, wanna go dinner?
Gan: Okay sure
Friend: We going power nasi lemak. Wanna join?
Gan: Whoa so far ah. I in hall leh. Dabao for me lor. Haha
Friend: Kthxbye
Gan: Kthxbye to you too. Keep asking me to go out of sch

Ok, here's the thing, Gan takes it personally against him that I pang-seh him. The fact that I asked him for dinner means I've signed a till-dinner-do-us-part contract with him.

You see in the scenario above, it would be normal for the friend who doesn't want to go with the initiator's plan to say "You all go ahead without me lor."

BUT NO. I MUST REMAIN FAITHFUL TO THE ONE I HAVE PLEDGED MY DINNER ALLEGIANCE TO.

I hope I am making perfect sense here.

He made making such a chillax dinner invitation into a till-dinner-do-us-part contract that it's just...absurd. Why the expectation of such heavy commitment? Between friends, if you don't like their plan, you don't go. Peace out. No problem.

But he comes around and accuses me of pang-seh-ing him. Bravo him. *round of applause please* LOL.

So yeah. I bet he's thinking right now "Yalar, say what you want la, you're always right." Just like how his CONCLUDED accusation of me "pang-seh-ing" him is always right lor.

The main reason why  I jio him is because I wanna include him and this is what I get in return. Therefore, from then on, no more meal invitations. I don't wanna re-live such sickening moments of being accused.

The 2nd free dinner...
...was my friend's CCA - IES (Institute of Engineers Singapore). They had an AGM. AND I SAT IN FOR THE AGM! Because they were short of engineers attending the AGM. So that dinner WAS EARNED! LOL!

And yeah, planned to go for the free dinner from the start already. So once again, the same scenario erupted as above. I AM THE SINFUL PANG-SEH-ING ONE. I must repent.

Free hall stay
On 2nd July 2013 when I asked him on whatsapp "Can I leech? Like squat in your hall as and when. haha" and his reply "Ya ok. You my deary how can don't let you. Lol." I was still in Korea when we're catching up on whatsapp. I have the screenshot of it if he challenges me to it.

We actually spoke about this in canteen 9 and his defense was "That time I supposed to room with Wee Lee so can let you stay, but now my roomy different."

Well, in the 2nd July 2013 chat I ALSO asked him "Who's the other roomy?", he's reply was "I dunno yet". So it shows that he already knew his roomy was not Wee Lee.

When I shattered his defense by showing him our whatsapp conversation, his reply was "Aiya, I don't know la. You always come play with words."

WOW. I'm showing him evidence of our conversation and this is his reply. I really am amused and amazed at how blind and insistent people can sometimes be to JUST BE IN THE RIGHT.

So yeah, he didn't mention payment at all. And from our conversations, it's crystal clear that he's allowing me to stay based on account of our friendship.

Ok, maybe I stayed longer than expected because it took so long for me to get my hall. And yes, maybe I should have the decency to pay him because I already stayed for like 2 months.

But the thing is, he didn't request for payment. So am I supposed to automatically pay him? And it's not like I can't pay him. I can pay for he and his roomy to stay in hall for all four years if they want. It's not about the money...it's about the unspoken expectation that was uncommunicated.

So yeah, I'm a freeloader. I guess you reached that conclusion too after all these? Haha. Judge me or vindicate me please.

And I have screenshots to prove all of these. It's all in my whatsapp chat history.

And, just to mention for the sake of mentioning, last year, I gave him my friend's hall after I got my own hall. He was really thankful. And I was just being me...it's normal to do favours for your friends right?

I didn't like charge him extra. I could've charged a stranger extra if they wanted my hall. And yes they'll pay extra to stay. But it's on account of our friendship that I just gave it to him.

I'm saying this not because I expect him to return the favour by allowing me to stay. If he doesn't allow me to stay, I'm fine. If he said it from the start "No, I don't want the inconvenience of housing you." I'd have been cool about it. At least you're honest. But the thing is, he voluntarily agreed to let me stay.

Fact is, it's not like I NEED TO STAY IN HALL. I can squat in other friend's halls or just travel to school everyday. He's NOT INDISPENSABLE.

So yeah. Point made. And I'm pretty sure, he'll be really pissed if he reads this. Because, he is unable/unwilling to answer all these questions and pointers which I bring forward. To him, "it doesn't matter". I wonder what is his definition of "friendship".

WHAT NOW?

I can choose these options:

1) Pay him and shift out to my other friend's hall to make it clear that - I can pay. I'm no freeloader and I DON'T NEED YOUR STINKIN' HALL.

2) Pay him and stay on and see what happens after I appease his unspoken money-based anger.

3) Don't pay him and shift out to my other friend's hall to make it clear that - I'M A FREELOADER and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

At least this freeloader has friends who's willing to accommodate him on account of friendship.

4) Don't pay him and stay on and see how things roll.

I'm inclined to options number 1 and 2.

Option 4 is really being an thick-skinned ass but hey, so what? Consider the facts I've laid and there's no reason for me to budge because he voluntarily accepted my request to squat and didn't ask for payment. So need I budge?

Through all these I can tell that he doesn't love me as how I did and would. Small money issues? And selfish issues? Having all those unspoken expectations shows that he really doesn't love me enough to communicate what's essential to keep our relationship going.

Anyway, it's not wrong to be selfish, because we are all selfish in our own special way. Haha. But that means, I'm gonna distance myself from him because he's draining me.

Yup, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Note that I still love him a lot ok? And I choose to continue loving him. And note that he's not open to reasoning because he thinks I'm always right and he's just out to prove me wrong - usually without proper logic or basis but by pure insisting that I'm wrong.

For me now, I've given up trying to talk to him. Everything that passes through his filter of judgement will only come out as negative, wrong, not-trustworthy, etc...I really don't know what I did that led him to this.

But yeah, this is the thing we gotta learn and accept. People are like that. Sometimes you do things that they hold so strongly against you without telling you. And it grows and mountains into something that destroys the whole relationship.

That's why my best friends are always those who are LOVINGLY honest with me, even when honesty is hard. Friends that love you like that are rare. Pray for such friends.

So yeah. I pray we'll go over this smoothly. Be the Lord of our friendship Jesus. Amen. :)

#NowPlaying

Many songs have been speaking to me this week and for the past week. Here's a few:

1) "Every Good Thing" by The Afters.

This is officially my favourite song now. Its upbeat, light and happy tune never fails to put a smile on my face :)




2) "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets.

This song is really what I would tell all my friends and loved ones if I could in a song. Love the chorus:

Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope.

You're gonna do great things, I already know

God's got his hand on you so don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray

These are the words I would say

3) "Love Does" by Brandon Heath

This song reassuringly reminds me that though no one sees all the good that you're doing, but love does - but God does. Here's a part of this song's awesome lyrics:

Nobody knows why your heart is broken

Nobobdy cries while your prayers are going u-p

But love does

Nobody walks on the road you're paving

Nobody sees all the souls you're saving o-h

But love does

4) "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets

The lyrics really speaks of how I wanna live. Awesome lyrics. Bolded and underlined the one line that captures the truth of this song that has hit me.

I wanna live like that and give it all I have

So that everything I say and do points to You

If love is who I am, then this is where I stand

Recklessly abandoned, never holding back

I wanna live like that

Yup, hope these songs have breathed life into you one way or another. I'd like to leave us with a Bible verse:

1 Timothy 6:12

"Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses"

How's me? On debate, relationship squabbles and love.

It's been ages since I visited my blog. Haha. And the viewership ain't decreasing. Either the in-built blog reader counter has malfunctioned or my previous posts have really good re-read value. Haha.

Been oh-so-busy to blog. As soon as I touched down in Singapore, the meet-ups with friends and FOOT'13 orientation camp in NTU took my time away. But it was worth it :)

Anyway, while waiting for my hair to dry, just wanna pen some stuff now.

1) I'm fine. As always. Not anywhere near death from physical, academic or relational pressures or not entertaining any suicidal thoughts. p/s I never had any to start with.

BUT. I'M DARN FRUSTRATED.

Where do I start? How do I start?

Ok, examples. These coming from (mostly) Bible-believing, close friends of mine whom I dearly treasure:

1) "Hi Jonavan, I'm eating lunch now. Kthxbye." coming from a dear friend of mine with NO apology.
Logic: I have given up meal appointments to eat at least 3 meals with him and THIS IS HOW HE REPAYS ME. *claps claps*

2) "Hey, you driving? If yes, fetch me, if no, bye." *In summary* also coming from a dear friend of mine whom I have written cards to, prayed for and be his Christian brother for years. He'll attest to that fact...and THIS IS HOW HE REPAYS ME.

3) Made some casual remarks about some China and foreign students, LIKE ANY NORMAL LOCAL NTU STUDENT IN ENGINEERING COURSE WOULD, and my friend went "YOU TA PAI JUDGE!". And from there, HE JUDGED ME AND HE JUDGED EVERY WORD IN MY SENTENCES TO LINK IT BACK TO THE FACT THAT I'M A JUDGE-R.

In doing so, he is becoming the very type of asshole he is accusing me of becoming (with his feeble finger pointed at me with very weak supposition). AND HE DOES IT SO SELF-RIGHTEOUSLY. Wow.

Either he's trying to give me a taste of my own medicine...or he's really angry I judged some foreign stranger, or both. AND, I don't discredit every word he says in the manner he is doing. If not, he'd no longer be my friend...and I'd be friendless. Simple. Thus, it is NOT giving me my own medicine but rather, him being an asshole independently.

And the fact is, it's not the medicine I've been administering to others. So, kudos to him. Logic-less, emotional barrage, which I ignored with silence and which he later JUDGED ME "Don't EMO leh". Need I reply an empty vessel trying to find fault with every uttered diction?

4) Miss bff's been hearing things. Accuses me of lying. Like I don't know what I said. The fact is, she didn't even entertain the possibility that the person "reporting" could have heard me wrongly or misinterpreted my words.

HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. And I've checked with a few friends and indeed some of them misinterpreted me.

Ok fine, maybe I'm to blame for letting the person misinterpret to begin with...but still, putting the whole blame on me without trusting me for my unparalleled show of honesty for the past 7-8 months is totally FANTASTIC.

Blah blah blah...

There are many more instances of such things going on. And here's a few things I've re-discovered:

1) People are never consistent. When they call you "deary" or "best friend" or "brother", don't fall for it. Once something happens, all these promises fall away empty. And it's not over some BIG issue, but some shady, grey and not-really-right-or-wrong or unproven issues.

2) From no. 1, you'll discover that PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS FAIL YOU. Screw up, cock up, do a lil' thing that pisses them off and the commitment is easily shaken. I don't offer such shaky friendship. I'm always there to debate, reconcile and make right, quite unlike many people I've met.

3) People DON'T THINK. THEY REACT USING THEIR EMOTIONS, NOT LOGIC. I've trained myself to always put my logic first. To analyse the situation and debate with myself before letting out a reaction.

And once I let them in on my debates in my mind, they usually get offended. -.-" I'll tell them where they've done wrong, how they could do better and I'd tell them how I could've done better and how I could've reacted better and how in the light of our ENTIRE relationship (past, present & future), it doesn't really matter.

More often than not, the discourse of the former will lead to an eruption of angry emotions and they will never get to the latter.

4) Let your joy be found in Christ and Christ alone. He's the only guy that'll never fail you. Sometimes it seems that He's on a month-long holiday or hibernating, but truth is, He's always there, watching, holding, protecting, guiding, loving and leading. We're just sometimes too blind or we need to seek Him in a different way, in a different dimension.

Here are a few principles that I hold fast to when encountering all these heart-breaking moments:

1) I CHOOSE LOVE. Question always comes down to "So, they did all these shit to you, so what're you gonna do? Love 'em? Take revenge? Turn cold and ignore them? Sever all ties with them?"

The question comes down to "Is the person worth keeping in spite of what he/she has done?"

And with that, I'll think our past, look at the present and see what future we might have. Usually after that, I always love them all over again.

There are a thousand questions, debates and struggles like "Why is he/she like that?", "Doesn't he/she remember all the love we shared?".

Fact is, some questions will never be answered, some mistakes you will NEVER get an apology for, MOVE ON.

LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS - 1 Peter 4:8.

So, I - choose - love. It's hard. But that's how God loves us too. Stop calculating and finding fault in your relationships and let God's love flowing through you cover their sins against you.

2) I RECOGNIZE MY SEASON.

I know this season, this period in my life is one of letting go, surrendering. And this includes surrendering all these arguments, debates, questions and sin-log which I hold people accountable for.

So I know God is doing a deep work in my life.

He is using my closest friends to prick me, to offend me, to mould me, to test me and to eventually see if I can still love them the way Jesus has loved me for my uncountable intentional acts of sins done against Him.

SURRENDER JONAVAN! Surrender your pride, your logic, your arguments, your self-righteousness, your EGO, your rattle-off-the-truth-instantly and #justsaying moments.

Here are some of the things I discovered about myself.

1) I think too fast, too far and debate too well, too cogently that people do not have time to digest the truth of my discourse.

Therefore, they react with emotions because I didn't give them sufficient time before downloading a barrage of logic into their SLOW MINDS.

It takes them a day or two to simmer down and realize. For me, I see the end already using my debate-and-logic-it-out-with-yourself-first approach.

Fact is, PEOPLE JUST NEED TIME. For me it may seem small and it'll be alright. But for them, all they're seeing is THE PROBLEM and THE RAGE or THE HEARTBREAK.

So, I needa just, GIVE PEOPLE TIME.

JUST SHUT UP. Because truth spoken at the wrong timing no longer is received as truth.

2) I'm hell of an impatient guy.

Once people don't get me, I don't bother to let them get me. I either brush them away or logic-fy them impatiently.

Thus, making people feel that "I'm always right"

Truth is, I AM. Because even if you debate with me a day later or a week later about the same issue, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN.

If you're right and have a point and if I'm wrong and have no point to make, then I'll shut up or I'll brush the debate away.

So if I'm still debating, it means I've gotta point to make. And I bother debating with you because I care. If not, I won't waste time with a loser like you.

So yeah, kinda linked to the first thing I learnt about myself - I'm hell of an impatient guy.

WORKIN' ON THAT.

Many more reflections actually but lemme summarize it all with a word that God spoke to me recently during my prayer & worship session with Him:

"Where arguments fail, let love prevail."

I'm not perfect, I'm learning to love and change and surrender all these BIG things in my life to Him. It's a season of surrender for me now. OF EVERYTHING.

And I know He'll see me through :)