2013 was indeed the most amazing year yet. The highlight was my 6 month exchange programme in Shanghai which has a monument erected in my soul that every time I look back at 2013, this sculpture will remind me of the beautiful moments and the beastly occasions that happened.
The 1st 6 months was a time of love and building and the following was a time of shaking and tearing down; out of which many lessons can be drawn - mainly about relationship foundations, definitions and ideals.
And for every relationship that was strained, God was good. He provided me with new friends to love me and strengthen me and to see me through each disappointment.
I've come to experience firsthand (not just head knowledge) that in different seasons, God has different agendas and God will send different people into your life to impact you and for you to impact. No one is indispensable.
New seasons, new lovers. New chapter, new confidantes. New page, new pals. New phase, new agenda. God is always on the move. You just gotta keep up with Him and not waste your energy on people and things that He did not call you to change or interfere with. It'll only drain you and waste your life away.
To those whose hearts are closed, you can do nothing but pray and at most mourn for their breach of relational ideals and falling for easy fallacies.
Let me ruminate upon some of these un-closed issues. After bringing these issues to discuss with many of my friends - who are of sound mind, balanced discernment and experienced in these areas - here's my mental path to the conclusion.
1) The storyteller-liar saga
Background:
Miss bff's heard things I've been saying about us from several reliable sources and they all are twisted tales of what happened between us.
Enraged, she confronted me (with the conclusion that I was a liar) about some of these lies she's been hearing from her trusted sources.
She simply told me what she heard, blamed me for it and refused to tell me who she heard it from.
Yes, I told her the sources to trust and those seemingly "trustable" sources also misrepresented me. Well, many things get lost in translation and sometimes people just remember things wrongly or they may have took my exaggerations and jokes as truth erroneously.
Thus, in such intricate communication patterns, it all boils down to trust and I believe if 2 people are intent on solving a problem like this, it can be easily solved by PROPER COMMUNICATION and LOGICAL TRACING.
Before I elaborate, lemme give you the background of the background.
Background OF the background:
Before returning to Singapore, I knew this would happen - people would be asking about us. How honest should I be? How much of the story do I share? It's an amazing story of God's hand which I want to share to inspire people.
In my foresight, I brought this to discussion with her and asked her what do we plan to tell people when asked. So that we can give a coherent answer that does not misrepresent us. To which she replied "Just share lor. I trust you."
Yup. If you want the background OF the background OF this background, it's all written in another blog that is still in progress. Complete with pictures, screenshots and relationship history. It's an attempt to pen down all that has happened because this is the most amazing story yet...Written in storybook, 3rd person style.
Her course of action:
Believe WHOLESALE what she's been hearing (granted due to corroboration of sources) and discussing it amongst her group of exclusive confidantes instead of honestly and open-mindedly bringing this to the discussion table between the 2 affected protagonists - US.
From there, she's been showing bouts of emotional rampages through our conversations:
- Scolding me on behalf of her good friend (screenshots available) without understanding the context of the situation. She simply became a gangster brandishing every blunt word in her non-vulgar vocabulary available.
All I saw was raging bull (a female one...a cow would be too gentle. LOL) with many unsettled scores, disorganized thoughts and buried grudges. Oh, the lost art of proper thought pattern and conduct. I am saddened that all that's left is just her heart, not her mind.
- Telling me it's all over, that she's been poisoned, blinded, cheated, etc...Well, indeed she is. After returning here.
To me, she's only seeing things in light of the present. When I look at our relationship, I see it in light of the past, present and future.
For whatever we've shared, built, laughed, cried, fought and loved each other for was the foundation of our relationship. The past is enough to buffer the hurts in the present. After all, the present was simply a bunch of rumours.
I look at the present and I'm utterly pissed, disappointed and frustrated at her childish display of emotions without thought. But looking at things ON A NET SCALE, I still know she loves me a lot and still more good than harm was done. (If you want to go into details, I can. Screenshots available - hundreds of them).
Looking at our future - in light of the future, all these things simply grey into oblivion. 5 to 10 to 20 years time, we'll all be laughing at these stories and reminiscing the moments of love and hurt and tears that we shared. On our deathbed, all these won't matter! These are just temporary tests that are here to grow us into stronger people.
But, she reacted really badly to these tests and all I can do is watch as she plays out her mixture of emotions, insecurity and erroneous thought pattern and shaky foundations of her erroneous definition of love, trust and self-control.
- Sarcastically berating me for being exclusive in planning an event or delegating it irresponsibly.
When I showed my friends what she said. They were simply amused. Firstly, in her negative lenses she saw the request to plan something together as an "arrow" to get her to plan something for all of us while we sat back and watched the show.
This was entirely amusing because she did not read my message properly. Every other person that I asked replied amicably and understood the context of my message EXCEPT HER.
She still sent me a "rolls eyes" and I was telling my friends "Yeah, it's because she was rolling her eyes that's why she didn't read my message properly and reacted in a childish way that totally showed she was rolling her eyes while reading the words in my message." Haha.
Every friend agreed - from my other best girl friends to my guy friends. But one of my best friends - a girl - said "Aiya, we're girls after all what. And I've seen worst girls than her ok? Some of my girl friends over react even more than her and resort to even more outlandish reactions."
Granted. That perspective was legit but still, such bouts of frivolous emotional outbursts were unprecedented till now and I'm not ready to put up with a kid.
Secondly the event she just planned was also exclusively planned with 3 people in her planning committee! Do I give her the same sarcastic reply and berate her for being exclusive? OF COURSE NOT. Every event requires a core team of people planning and in her emotional bulldozing she failed to see this blatant fact.
It's really for me to do the *ROLLS EYES* thing.
My thought pattern
The following train of thought I already made clear to her in my many cards to her. Upon further discussion with my friends, I asked them to correct me and spot any errors in my thought pattern and logic and sadly, they all agreed with me.
1) The whole saga was based on one word - trust. Fine, if you don't trust me, what's the next step to take to resolve this issue?
Bring it to the discussion table with an open mind. But no she couldn't. Lemme give you an analogy.
Let's say news reports allege that I'm a murderer - let's say I killed my bff (it's actually a discovery science channel programme. LOL).
What will be the first course of action my parents or best friends will take?
Will they straight away come and condemn me "JONAVAN YOU MURDERER!!! LOOK AT THE NEWS!!!"
Nope they won't.
They trust me ENOUGH NOT TO believe the news report and they'll instead come to me and asked "WHAT HAPPENED?" in all open-mindedness.
The same goes for me if any of my best friends get caught in a web of consistent rumours and false reports. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and ask them "What happened man? I'm here for you".
My dear bff was the exact opposite - she immediately believed the "murder reports" and came and condemn me. So much for the title "bff" eh?
Fine, she's also the affected party. Well now we're both affected parties. So what should we do? Stick to our cliques and let those fallacious thoughts fester? NO. We should sit down and resolve the issue together.
THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT SHE IS NOT DOING.
What can I do? What can I initiate when her mind's made up? When she has her arsenal of friends or loyal partisans to support her specious logic? Partisans because they exhibit a strong sense of biased allegiance over proper thought and communication. Instead of being fair umpires to myself and her, they've become a social faction which favours its founder.
Even after I casually chat-ed with 1 of them and that friend couldn't answer my questions, that friend still continued to sway on her side - hence the unequivocal term used here...and many others who had formed judgments without communicating it with me.
The saddening part is, all her friends are my friends too. Some are even considered GOOD friends. But hey, they're "GOOD" enough to just have discussions amongst themselves against me and they think they have all the pieces put together, a concrete case against me. Bravo them.
No case is sealed until a proper discussion or "courtroom" procedure is made - with both parties present in the discussion and definitely, I will be defendant since she is the "victim".
The thing is, I have my own group of thinking friends that have tested my logic and agree with me.
And I've written scores of cards to her regarding this WITHOUT any reply from her. Granted. You can live with the "truth" you think you possess.
Ok fine, I think I'm being too righteous here. LET'S SAY, I really did lie. I really did misrepresent us (for whatever gain I can benefit from the lies).
The question is: For all we've shared and built together, you are giving all this up over this issue?! Is our love that shallow?
What happened to all those words of affirmation? What happened to the cards you wrote me, the messages and stickers you sent me? The tears, the songs, the dates, the conversations, the building of our relationship we've been building?
You're telling me all those were lies? Were built on fallacies? If you were to examine each and every instance of my confession to you, none of them were lies. All were built on truth. The only thing is some were executed in selfishness and stretched truth - ALL WHICH I HAVE ADMITTED AND APOLOGIZED FOR.
So this what our relationship is worth? This is saddening.
As for our mutual friends supporting her, no word of them with me. No attempt to reconcile us together. It seems they believe her and her aides WHOLESALE. I have tons of screenshots and photos to tell the story. What makes them think that she and her club members do not have contextual and biased interpretation of any situation against me?
But to them, I'm a sold-out liar.
Kudos to them too. I think I've misplaced my show of love on them. Same goes for them. For all we've shared, grown, laughed and matured together as friends, this is the trust you're giving me? Not even telling me the conclusions you're making behind my back with just the one-sided information you're hearing?
Basically, they trust a new-found friend over me. That's heart-wrenching and something I'll never do to any of my GOOD friends. The least I'd do is COMMUNICATE - even with my normal friends. And that's been shown in all my relationships with people.
So yes, keep holding hands as the whole bunch of you enjoy your new found sweet friendship founded on this "truth" of a common enemy.
I experienced this sweet friendship with them too. But situations like these really test the character and beliefs of the person. When things are going smooth with a common enemy, of course it's merry. But wait till it's your turn to get the taste of prejudiced biased-ness and broken trust.
As much as I'm really sad that it has all broken down to these, I'm also glad because I now see how unreliable they really are as friends. I really hope they grow and learn how to be better friends and properly embody the definition of "love".
This is my logical and systematic expectation. None of my good Christian friends could disagree with my pointers...And the thing is, THEY THEMSELVES HAVE BEEN THROUGH THESE. They wear the scars of misplaced trust and empty words.
However, my friends also gave me an alternate view and God also spoke to me regarding this:
Now that you've pointed out all the areas that she's err-ed and the things she did not do, what next? Is this all you're gonna do Jonavan?
One of my insightful best girl friends told me "I totally understand and agree with you Jonavan. BUT, the thing is, we're Christians right? And we're supposed to be the BIGGER PERSON to go and apologize and make right even though it's not our fault and even though we've tons of reasons why we don't need to."
And it's true. I've SOWN SO MUCH INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP (including the ones supporting her). The entire relationship was 80% my initiation and 80% her reciprocation for 6 months! My time limit of giving is around 3 months+ then it gets tiring.
Fine, that's because I treat her (and most of them) as a best friend and that's what we are supposed to be after all. And hey, what we have become wasn't just me. It's a consensual thing. ALL relationships are consensual.
So yeah, that's the thing God's been speaking to me about too. TO LOVE WITH A BROKEN HEART.
Jesus loved us even when we were still deliberately sinning against Him! It hurt Him deeply and many times He just wanted to wipe us all out but no, HE LOVED and HE KEPT LOVING.
This is the HARDEST lesson He's teaching me now. To be the bigger person. To extend that hand of reconciliation, to say "I'm sorry. Forgive me?" even though we DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG (of which I did and have apologized).
If that's what'll solve the problem, if a little release of pride can mend it, will you choose to be the bigger person to do it?
So yes, I've tons of argumentation and logic and sound friends that are morally supporting me. I'll definitely win the argument as we begin to dig our history and examine the evidences that caused this divide - none of her friends (which are my good friends too, disappointingly) will be able to answer my string of questions.
BUT, IS THAT THE POINT? Is that what you wanna hold onto Jonavan? Are you that small a person? Will you be that little Jesus who had His life unjustly snatched away from Him for telling the truth that He is the Messiah? Will this lil' sacrifice of pride, logic and ideals kill you?
NO, IT WON'T KILL ME.
So yes I've logically derived at this conclusion. But I've yet to relation-ally execute this mental conclusion.
The same goes for story number 2 and number 3:
2) The GAN saga
3) The CS saga
All these relationship breakdowns are built on communication breakdown and failure to communicate expectations. All revolve around the issue of HONESTY, TRUST AND COMMUNICATION.
NONE OF THEM think me important enough to sit down and really trash things out.
I was never worthy enough for keeps. I'm only worth this little that they'll give me up over blurry rumours and mis-communications.
It makes me wonder if they're worthy of my keeping too. My other best friends of 7-10 years and all would not handle things this way. Definitely. Because we grew up together and we worked and built the church together. We loved each other. They know me and love me and will stand by me even if I became a heinous criminal. At best, THEY'D HAVE COMMUNICATED WITH ME.
As for these new breed of "best" friends, I just somehow think they're not worth my quality of love. None of them have matched my extravagant show of love - in cards, in words, in encouragements, in being there for them, in loving them, in advising them, laughing with them, crying with them, etc...
They all simply RECIPROCATED. Yes, they loved me a lot because I was loving them a lot. When I stop loving. They too stopped loving.
I was always the initiator, the source, the battery in the relationship. When I'm flat, the relationship goes flat too.
BUT THE SAME PRINCIPLE APPLIES.
JONAVAN! WILL YOU BE THE BIGGER MAN? WILL YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW THEM THE TRUE DEFINITION OF LOVE?
"Yes, they'll never be able to match your consistent show of love (for now) because they're all works in progress! They're learning and growing! That's why I put you in their lives to show them WHAT LOVE IS!"
"Jonavan, can you love with a broken heart like I did?" whispers that still small voice within.
I will Lord.
I have yet to muster the courage and humility to do that because there's just so much I want them to see. They don't think as much as I do and break things down like I do and communicate it so cogently like I do...BUT SO WHAT?
DOESN'T LOVE ESTEEM OTHERS ABOVE YOURSELF AND LOOK BEYOND THEIR FLAWS? Will you be that living definition of "love"???
Y-E-S. Change me Lord.
This is my cry. I'm imperfect, I'm learning and growing too, like each and every one of them. I'm just ahead of them in this journey of growth because I've walked at least 10 years longer in the faith and experienced 10x more than what they have got yet.
Will I be that elder brother? Be that leader, that bigger man?
Yup, much has been said. I already know what I'm going to say to them. I just haven't arranged meetings with them. p/s: It has to be me again.
So, Lord Jesus, I pray you season my words with Your love and open their hearts to receive the message of love and reconciliation and may you open their eyes to see that we love because You first loved us.
May we enter your kingdom as lovers not fighters. I love You Jesus. Grant me love, wisdom and strength to articulate whatever you have spoken to me all this while. Let me be a shadow of who are; a small reflection of a greater love.
These 2 songs are how God has been speaking to me: Do give them a listen - they're life-changing.
Show Me How To Love
By Sidewalk Prophets
We Need Each Other
By Sanctus Real
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