Let It Go. Goodbye: Leaving people in the past

Yes, once again, this post is inspired by another article I've read on social media. The article is entitled "Saying Goodbye: Why It’s Okay To Leave Some People In The Past"

I agree with everything the author is trying to say. I'd have said the exact same thing. And thinking aloud is easy. But living it out is hard. Dammnnnn hard.

This article is potent to me too because I'm gonna GRADUATE. This means I'm gonna leave a truckload of friends behind. The same way I left my primary school besties, secondary school lovers (not all, some still are :D), polytechnic friends and army bros.

Hais. That's the saddest part of graduation. Leaving the carefree life and the convenient friendships that flourished in the conducive environment of lecture theatres, tutorials, project meetings, canteens, CCAs and hall of residences (dormitory/community living).

The even sadder part is, I've not even graduated and people are already leaving me in the past and vice-versa.

The saddest part is, salvaging some of those relationships were not hard. Just a phone call or message away. But I'm not worth that teeny bit of effort; that minuscule bit of communication.

Here's a paragraph that I fully identify with (edits mine):

"...It really pissed me off to know that the people to whom I shared so much with could so easily abandon our friendship. It always felt really sad, like deceit, like abandonment. The kind of feeling that makes tears well up in the back of your throat; the kind of sad that lingers and lingers."

This is exactly what I'm experiencing now. Apart from putting a strong front, a strong wall of logical questions, deep inside, I'm just hurt. Just so deeply hurt and saddened. I remember telling this to one of my very good friends.

The hurt comes from their inaction that shouts "YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT. I'M NOT GONNA WASTE MY LIFE TRYING TO TALK THINGS OUT WITH YOU. IMMA STAND BY MY NEW FRIENDS AND YOU CAN KISS MY ASS."

That reality is hard to swallow after you've shared so much with someone and actually believing that the sweet friendship will last to be a gonna-grow-old-together-friendship...only to see them make a 180 degree turn and frivolously throw it all away over something so trivial in light of all that the relationship has been built upon.

I also have this selfish, pragmatic friend of mine with whom I've shared the better half of my university life with and someone whom I've grounded in the faith. He once told me "whoa, I've actually grown so much in my faith because of you and not the church leaders." and many other good stuffs which he shared.

But guess what? Suddenly, he cut all communication because - without communication - he decided I became the greatest sinner on planet earth. From a brother in Christ to a demon from hell. All within a short span of improper thought and forgetfulness of our friendship history.

Recently he called me and joked around with me as if nothing was wrong. Why? He needed help with a project that I'm already done with. *CLAPS*CLAPS*

And as you know, I drive everyday. So when he needed a ride, he'd organize gatherings and indirectly included me so that we can all get a free ride. Apart from these few moments that would benefit him, SILENCE. I'm back to being that demon from hell. LOL.

For me, I'm fine. I believe I'm blessed to be a blessing so I'm alright with helping almost anyone. And of course, when with him or them, I'm totally fine, conversations ensue and I'm glad that you still chose me to help you when you could possibly turn to others for that favour. Where the window of opportunity to be a blessing opens, I usually won't reject it. That's my belief.

But when analyzing his actions on hindsight, I actually just get further disappointed. From sudden silence to sudden communication for his personal gain. Wow. Amazing. Thank you God for friends like these to show me what type of friend I should never be.

Well, this phenomenon is playing out worldwide, 24-7 and it's breaking hearts, rampaging lives, causing depressions and suicides. It's a phase actually; all part and parcel of life as described by this author:

"Time has turned close friends into distant acquaintances. Our lives are in constant motion. We change each day. Sometimes, we forget that the people who surround us also change every day. Some relationships may grow together, shift and bend in ways that make them fit comfortably. Some relationships are more forgiving and hang on for the sake of the love that was once binding and now hangs around as a memory. But some don’t last. Some get destroyed, some disappear slowly and some cease to exist abruptly."

Was chatting with one of my awesome friends recently about letting go of people too. I was actually just randomly reading some of my old blog posts when I stumbled unto a few that described my relationship with her and how she used to be so close to a mutual friend of ours. Right now, they're gone. Strangers. About her now defunct friendship, she said (edits mine):

"Haha yes, we were! (close friends) It was one of those friendships where after I left church, both of us tried to hold onto...but it's like grasping at air after awhile...we grew apart, lifestyles and mentality wise..."

I actually wrote a song on this. It's called "Strangers with some memories". It's an unfinished song. Here's the chorus of the song that has been completed:

WE’RE NOT FRIENDS

WE’RE NOT ENEMIES

WE’RE JUST STRANGERS

WITH SOME MEMORIES

LOOKIN’ IN YOUR EYES

WE BOTH KNOW WHY

WE CAN’T SAY “HI”

THERE WAS NO PROPER “GOODBYE”

WE’RE JUST STRANGERS

FILLED WITH ANIMOSITY

UNJUSTIFIED, STILL BROKEN INSIDE

DAMN THOSE MEMORIES

Yes, I guess people do grow apart and become strangers. But do we have the grace to let go? To say goodbye? To say "Thank you. I'm glad for you. You've changed me"

So yeap. This is a problem. This break-up, moving on problem. What's the remedy? Is there a remedy?

The remedy is a perspective change which is advocated by the author. Here's her take:

"Instead of focusing on the loss, you can start to focus on the beautiful things each person brought into your life. Knowing that your relationship had a purpose and convincing yourself that ultimately, the purpose was achieved is a great way to gain closure.

We are all moving and changing. We need different things from the world at different times in our lives. We want different things. We view the world in different lights.

We are all essentially just bumping into each other, stuck together until another crack in the road sends us free falling into something or someone else.

You don’t have to feel loss. You don’t have to feel sad. You can view your individual relationships as meaningful for what they were. You can send them on their way when they’re through. You can look forward to the new."

This is the exact approach I took, which only worked semi-successfully. The questions still keep bugging me. Like how? Why? And analysis after analysis simply showed that I had put so much into the relationship and didn't deserve this and they didn't deserve me. But yet my heart still loves...and it will always love.

Quantifying the relationship: the investment I made in their lives weren't paying the dividends I expected or "deserved". Well, I know there shouldn't be this feeling of entitlement but when your business succeeds or fails, what do you do? Quantify it. And so here I am quantifying this failed "business"...which doesn't bode well for me. This quantification process simply makes me feel that my investment is botched.

Here's one of the approaches I take when people frivolously let you go without proper thought, logic and communication. To remind myself that...

Well, this is the tendency of humans. We are forgetful, selfish, fickle, biased, ungrateful, irrational, blind.

Let me give you these 3 historical examples I can remember off-hand.

1) The people that proclaimed "Hosanna in the highest!" and hailed Jesus as King was also very much the same crowd that vociferated "CRUCIFY HIM! They remembered nothing of Jesus and the infinite good that He did as they frivolously chose the notorious Barabbas to be released and Jesus to be crucified. (Matthew 27:15-26)

2) Same it is for Pastor Kong Hee. The amount of good he did and lives changed through his answering of God's calling in his life to start City Harvest Church was not remembered when members and leaders within his own church reviled him and severed all ties with him.

3) Same it is for the Israelites in the Old Testament who forgot how God delivered them out of slavery, parted the Red Sea for them, fed them, etc...They still had the cheek to complain against God and even turned to another god and worshiped that statue of a golden calf.

If they can forget an almighty God who revolutionized their lives, WHY WOULDN'T THEY FORGET YOU JONAVAN?

So stop being so sad and hurt. Mankind did this to God a gazillion times over! Yet God still relentlessly loves this forgetful, stubborn, stiff-necked race of humans He created.

Yup, when we start to compare our lives to leaders who were betrayed and abandoned by their closest aides when they needed them most, we start to see that "hey, this ain't that bad"

The other thing that I'm reminded of when I face this saga is this knowing that God is breaking me. Years back I remember on several occasions when the pastor asked "Do you want to surrender your life to God and let Him break you?" I remembered saying "Yes." in full understanding of the consequences.

I felt the Holy Spirit caution and assure me at the same time in those moments of surrender "It's gonna hurt real bad, but it's worth it."

I know that this is my season of breaking. And I know in my spirit that...this is only the beginning. God is going to break me even more. To prepare me for that highest call and cause He placed me here on Earth for. I myself don't know what that is. All I know is...this is preparation, tough preparation.

Every effective leader in history has been hurt deeply or has felt a sense of utter abandonment and betrayal. Just research into the lives of leaders who revolutionized history - Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ, etc...and you'll find those dark chapters in their lives where there was no love, no support, only abandonment and they had to battle against all these odds while holding on to a belief they hold fast to deep in the recesses of their spirit.

Yup, to lessen the pain, hurt and disappointment, I zoom out and try to see the bigger picture that He's painting.

Finally, Yael Kaufman ends with a fantastic suggestion on how to handle your relationships (edits mine):

"Keep your friends close. Nurture your friendships and treasure the people you love. Let people know that you love them. Surround yourself with friends who make you better. You can’t save all friendships and the ones that can’t be saved are sometimes the ones that don’t need to be. You can never know the direction in which people will go and grow and change.

Try your best to keep the people you really appreciate in your field of vision at all times, but understand that life has its own way of throwing us around. Understand that these are just realities. It doesn’t feel good to give up on people or relationships but sometimes, holding on feels worse."

Yup, lemme end with this song "Let It Go". Nope, it's not by Demi Lovato. It's by Tenth Avenue North. The truth in this song is so much more powerful than any other "Let It Go" song out there. Enjoy :)

Honesty in a Culture of Church Taboos

I just read this awesome article: "Honesty in a culture of church taboos" from this webby: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/honesty-culture-church-taboos#0BqkiJUG4hdJWEUU.01

One of the paragraphs that really hit me was this chunk:

"Yet hiding behind our friendly smiles and polite pleasantries are real life issues; the ones that don’t fit neatly into everyday conversations. Churches preach the benefits of living in community, yet we somehow forget that living in true community is guaranteed to be messy and complicated. While we talk of authenticity, Church often remains a place where you can’t be honest. 

Church should be a place muddled with honesty and real-life messiness. And it should be a place where a shame-filled person can find relief. It should be a place where shame loses its power. 

The truth is that there is no place for shame in the Church, not because we’re trying to keep up appearances, but because our shame has been taken to the Cross and can be left there."

This is the sad truth about churches today. Leaders don't know how to handle the tacky, controversial and taboo-laden issues that plague today's society.

The best part is, they lack HONESTY. It's fine if you can't give a good answer. But it's not fine if you avoid it, ignore it and try to sweep it under the carpet.

One of my greatest disappointments with the church is this - HONESTY. Instead of saying "I don't know. Maybe we can work something out" or "Let us read up more, discuss this issue and grow together", they resort to:

- Labeling you a heretic
- Labeling you as a problem member who's trying to find problems by asking difficult questions
- Labeling you an in-submissive member who wouldn't flow along with their culture

The leaders I respect the most are those that will honestly and lovingly sit you down and discuss the issues HONESTLY with you instead of classifying you a "terrorist" in this "holy" organization.

Churches I've been to and stories I've heard from church members are all heavily laden with leaders failing to be honest. All they do is second-guess people's intention in asking questions and passing judgement on them.

21st century churches are filled with Pharisees, out there trying to uphold a religion and trying to maintain their church's brand name instead of loving their sheep and being there for them even when they've messed up.

Because of the actions and in-actions of these leaders, it resorts in members recoiling from the church, causing them to feel shameful.

Churches have long been heaving stigmas onto people that Jesus would never have through their mis-handling of situations and through their spoken and unspoken words and deeds.

No church is perfect. But where imperfection abounds, honesty should be the next most commonplace virtue. Sadly, even honesty and authenticity is lost in the sea of church branding and trying to uphold a pretty picture of the church.

Jesus came to bring about change, not leave a pretty picture of a happy church with all smiley faces. And this is the greatest barrier that's keeping the world from entering the church - the lack of authenticity.

Yup, may God continue to do a work in His church and open the eyes and move the hearts of church leaders worldwide to see the true purpose and calling of the church in this world today.

ReMoved - On foster kids

Chanced upon this fantastic video, shot in the perspective of a foster kid. The lines in this video are viciously potent and pack an impact-ful punch.

Here are some of the lines from the video that I felt was really powerful (some paraphrased)...

"Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, that it stops hurting at all. Until someone makes you feel again, and then it all comes back; every word, every hurt, every moment."

"Even if you asked, even if you listened, you do not really hear or see or feel. You don't remember my story. You haven't walked my path. You haven't seen what I've seen."

"I am unseen, unheard, unwanted. That is what I am. If even I am anything."

I don't know about you, but when I heard those emotion-riddled words being enunciated by Abby White (Zoe Locke in film), I just went "Wow, I can totally feel your sadness and rejection."

Beyond being beautifully and intricately scripted, the videography is also great - complete with slow-mo moments and blurred shots.

Lastly, this short film has an awesome melancholic soundtrack! The sad, hollow, slow-moving, despondent tune really amplifies the diction in the video.

Yup, enough advertising...LOL...here's the goods...